So working this internship has confirmed what I already knew:

1. I can’t work in an office setting. Unless it’s a very nicely decorated office w/ a great view.

2. I CAN NOT, WILL NOT work under anybody.

—

In other unimportant news, I am broke. What’s new?

Shining Inheritance is over.. it was a good run while it lasted.

Options after college:

1. Backpack through Europe

• Pros: I’m going to get out there.
• Cons: My dad has graciously offered to cover my round-trip airfare, but I would have to pay for everything else. If I go, I’d like to stay at least 3 months. Where the hell am I going to get that kind of money?

2. Get a job. Work the 9-5 5 days a week. Pretend I like the job. Pretend I like the people. Get fat. (A little exaggeration here. Very little.)

3. Start studying for the LSATs. Prepare to work in foreign policy and human rights in D.C. A noble cause, but to be honest I am no Mother Theresa and I can feel myself getting jaded very fast. Starting around the time I open my first LSAT prep book.

4. Get myself disowned and leave for NY and pursue fashion. Low salary. Crappy apartment in the Bronx. Probably working one paid job (waitressing?) and one unpaid fashion internship.

At least I have options.

There used to be this kid in school, my grade, a boy. No, I did not have a crush on him. We took some of the same classes. He was quiet so we weren’t classroom buddies, but he’d still laugh at what the louder ones would say. And whenever we saw each other in the hallways, we would always say hi like we knew each other really well, but we didn’t.. not really.

And today, I found out that he passed away late last month. How trippy is that?

This happened to me twice, except the other girl I was actually pretty close to in elementary school. I got the news 2 months later.

It’s weird isn’t it. While I was celebrating fourth of July, his family and friends were saying good-bye.

When I was a kid, I used to be scared during the 3 days that led to Easter. Why? Because I thought Jesus wasn’t alive during those 3 days, so the devil could pop up somewhere at any moment. I would get so scared that I didn’t like being in a room by myself and I would never enter an unlit room.

I told this to someone once and they thought it was pretty damn cute.. but actually, it’s not.

It’s actually pretty scary. Not that the devil is scary, but that I feared him more than I thanked, loved, believed in God and Jesus.

Jesus once said that we should have a childlike faith. But the more I think about my childhood faith, the more I see how it wasn’t childlike enough.

Oh the woes of man!

have you ever met someone, and for no reason at all, got a feeling that this person is going to impact your life in some meaningful way?

i wonder…

What I know? What the hell do I know? I understand people are thinking, why is Jennie talking like this? But in actuality, in reality, I think like this. I just serve you my censored thoughts. Shocked? Get over it.

Anyways, things are frustrating me. Like why the hell am I lazy? Why the hell am I complaining about being lazy and not being productive? Things like that. And lately, when I talk on the phone with my mom, it takes a lot for me to hold back my tears. Don’t call me emo. I’m not. I think I’m appreciating them a lot more lately.
You know what I realized. If I were to say to anyone (even my friends and family) that I’m so thankful and sorry to God and I start crying uncontrollably… half of them would think I’m crazy/depressed/strange. But if you think about it… people in the bible used to rip their clothes off and rub themselves with ashes and we read that and think “there’s a man experiencing God”.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about this and that. And I had a lot to write, but somewhere between thinking and getting to write here… I lost it. Someone once told me that I would get somewhere, because I was lucky enough to have a chance. And when you hear that coming from the mouth of someone who’s the same age as you, who went to high school with you, who you sat next to in some classes and were well-acquainted with, you begin to feel that it’d be a damn shame if you failed. Cuz at some point you realize, yeah you owe it to God and to your parents who sacrificed all they had to maybe get you a chance at something better, but you owe it to some people who never got a chance. And sometimes it’s because chances were passed up or thrown away, but sometimes people really aren’t given a chance. Cuz who can blame a kid for quitting high school after her dad was hospitalized and her step-mom ran off with all their money, leaving her with hospital bills and a little brother to take care of?

And here I am, fiddling my minutes and my chances by writing on this blog with bad writing. Bad timing, for real.

Delirious. It’s 5:37AM.

I hate case studies.

Recently, there was a death in the family. Not my immediate family, but a cousin’s grandma. That led me to think about my senior year, second semester. Three people died. My grandpa, a friend’s mom, and a friend’s dad. It’s strange cuz my friend’s mom used to walk me and my friend home from Kindergarten. We carpooled in elementary, she fed me lunch every other day while my mom was working, scolded my friend to let me play Nintendo with him. We went to high school together, our moms were in the KPTA together, we went to hagwon together. Countless rides, countless meals, countless moments. She was always randomly over my place. Then she was gone, kinda sudden.

Anyways, I was thinking about death and about funerals. My funeral. Don’t think I’m being emo. It’s not like it’ll never happen.

I don’t want people to cry, I want lots of flowers, I want to be cremated, and I want Michael Buble’s “Home” playing.

And I want everyone to come wearing superhero costumes HAHAH j/k.

I forgot I had a blog and when I come back, everything changed. It’s hard to keep up in a technologized world.

Anyways, I was waiting for the R bus at the usual stop to get to work. I was supposed to take the 8:56 AM bus so I could get to work about 2 minutes late, but I decided to take my time getting out the door and took the one after that. The next bus was supposed to come at 9:16AM, so I stood at the stop starting 9:15AM and waited until 9:20 and it never came. So I took the 51 up, which sucks because the R takes me right in front of the I-House steps and the 51 drops me off at Unit 1. That last uphill block is killer.

Getting on with my story… I get off the 51 and I’m walking b/w Bancroft and Durant on College, guess what I see? I see a man walking a cat on a leash. I know. I was thinking, what the daym? Ok, no I wasn’t. The actual vocabulary was, how odd.

And then right when I reach the corner of Piedmont and Bancroft, I see the R bus pull up 20 steps in front of me in front of I-House. Now I’m thinking, I should have just waited. But then I think, I would have never seen that white man in the red jacket walking his cat.

I’m bored.

In the words of all those Good Morning America people… Good Morning America!

Look at them…

Which one should I get?

I realized that I have lots of bad tendencies. Bad tendencies like watching all these tv shows when I feel like I can’t face my fears. Fears like looking at/into myself. Myself as in the kind of person I am.

The list goes on.

I guess a lot of us are realizing our own bad tendencies. I wish I could fix mine and become a better person/Christian. Christian before person. Christian = person.